"The Ode to End all Odes"
Well here we are again my friends, our whites were crisply pressed,
And though the forecast wasn't great we didn't get depressed.
We strove to bowl our "touchers", to win praise from our skips,
And laughed along politely as our captains told their quips.
I usually wear a silly hat, with badges and with bells,
To make me look a proper twit, as epic odes I tell.
My wife said not to bring it, you should have seen her face!
She doesn't mind me wearing it, but she'd no room in the case!
Now Emrys called the bingo, with new amusing calls,
Though there were several long delays as he fumbled with his ... pen.
We carefully crossed our numbers off, but the prize was won by Den,
You should have heard the comments ... he won't do that again!
Mike's been selling badges, and stickers for our woods,
And lots of other items of Lilleshall-branded goods.
He had a good selection, of club-based merchandise,
I would have bought a new club tie, but he didn't have my size.
Now several of our party, have kept their noses clean,
And none of my observers, have misdemeanours seen.
So I'll just do what "red tops" do, or maybe Jackanory,
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
On Monday, just like last year, we were upset by the rain,
So we all had to go and play, with each other - once again.
Now I'm not keen on indoor bowls, I much prefer the grass,
'cause I don't like to make mistakes, or fall flat on my ... face.
So I swapped out to take a break, the result was plain to see,
As Alan Ghaut came in to play as three to dear "AP".
The winning rink was Audrey, with Geoff and Den and Mike,
Who put in a performance of the kind we all would like.
But Pauline, Don and Liz and Gren, to score their shots did fail,
So they were bottom of the pile, and thereby hung the tails.
On Tuesday, weather finally cleared and we played at Branksome Park,
And Emrys was our captain, that really was a lark.
There is a story from the day, though some would call us liars,
But those of us on his rink know, he DID bowl a wrong bias.
Now Audrey, Frank and Beryl, were top rink, so you see,
Despite the fact they had to carry their skip - dear old "AP".
And Dennis finally got a tail, it's been a couple of years,
And Sylvia, Liz and Peter (E) were the ones to share his tears.
Now Louis Hamilton drives just a tad slower than Joan,
When she sets off around the town, armed with her right to roam.
She saw a young man wave at her, she thought he was quite dashing,
Turned out he was just pointing out, her winkers were still flashing!
Our Dennis and our Emrys, will oft-times start to sing,
(I'm not sure what the reason is ... I think it's a Welsh thing)
Now most of us enjoyed it, though I think I heard some say,
I wonder if they'd go and sing "O'er the Hills and Far Away".
On Tuesday I did something, I never thought I could,
Not that! ... I bowled what Emrys said must be a "Wonder Wood"
Now some would say t'was fluky, but I would disagree,
My skip had called me for that shot - so it must be skill you see!
Now down upon the pier t'was something really makes you proud,
A seagull in distress had drawn an interested crowd.
So rushing to the rescue came "paramedic" Clare,
To free the bird from string and twine, helping "Doctor" Gren "Kildare".
On Tuesday evening Emrys, along with Clare and Gren,
Set off for the casino, the local gambling den.
Now Emrys came out even, and Clare some twenty plus,
We know that Grenville made a loss, but how much he wouldn't tell us!
And Janet says at marking, she thinks she is top rate,
She says that any distance she can accurately state.
She calls the gap with confidence, and never once she flinches,
The trouble is that Ken has told her "this" is fourteen inches!
On Wednesday I was captain, I wanted play dynamic,
Hang on! - that's "Captain Smith" - wasn't he on the Titanic?
But Lilleshall tigers tried so hard - to play well they did strive,
And so we won by thirty-two, of winning rinks, we'd five.
The winning rink were heavily backed, on paper they looked strong,
And Sandra, Peter (E), Mike and Alan (G) didn't do it wrong.
But bringing up the rear were Don and Mary, Jo and Frank,
They kept me from the tiger's tails, so it's THEM I really thank!
But Alan had a secret, which could have caused him sorrow,
Wore just his greys, forgot his whites, so a pair he had to borrow.
So he wore Em's white trousers, and although they can be boiled,
Old Emrys was a bit concerned, in case they came back soiled.
Our bus it seems a trifle old, it struggles on the hills,
So when it comes to driving, I think we've had our "Phil".
He's joined in all our silly fun, decided that he'll risk it,
And I've heard that after dinner, he really takes the biscuit.
Now Silvie wanted to take flight, upon the Bournemouth Eye,
To get a new perspective, from high up in the sky.
But sadly it did not go up, that really isn't fair,
'cause we are self-sufficient in provision of hot air.
Yet again our bookie, has taken all our bets,
And many of our choices, we would come to regret.
So thank you, Al, for all the mathematic sums,
Which make up an important part of our bowls touring fun.
The gearbox on the coach, you know, it's caused a lot of fuss,
And some are blaming all the weight we've loaded on the bus.
I've ascertained the real cause, according to our Phil.
It's down to Frank and Frances ... he definitely blames the Hills!
On Thursday off to Shaftesbury, in care of captain Mike.
It's got the famous "Hovis" hill, which sure does look a hike.
We had to change some rinks around, some substitutes were drafted,
It's such a shame we lost by four, but at least we were not "Shafted".
Our winning rink were well ahead, they had some shots to spare,
And that was Dennis Collins, with Margaret, Pete (A) and Clare.
Our losing rink, to wear the tails - they claimed 'twas not their fault,
Was Beryl, Silv (L) and Grenville, "controlled" by Alan Ghaut.
A certain male member stopped the bus ... the reason? - This ...
He needed a short "comfort break", though he usually takes the ... mickey.
And as he faced the bramble hedge he wiggled and he squirmed,
He worried lest a buzzard swooped looking for a worm!
Today we've worn our silly shirts, with colours loud and bright.
We think we look quite stunning - my God we are a sight!
Now Margie looks magnificent in many shades of red,
And Henry's shirt looks much more like something he wears in bed!
And Lizzie looks quite wonderful in pink and blue and yellow,
And old "Wee Willie" McElkin - well what a jolly fellow.
So thank you all for joining in, for giving us a laugh,
When everyone looks as bad as you, you never feel so daft!
We've come to "Sunny Bournemouth" - that's what the brochure said,
And now we're heading homeward, well watered and well fed.
The service from the Arlington, has really been top flight,
It seems a shame we cannot stay another day and night.
The hotel staff have all been great, with nothing too much trouble,
And in the restaurant, waiting staff were always "at the double".
They've joined in with our jesting, there's been much fun and frollicking,
I tried to lay a table though, and really got ... told off!
There are three lovely ladies, that Kelly, Kirsty, Sal,
Who've made us all so welcome at the Arlington Hotel.
They've helped the tour planners, that's Clare (with help from Gren),
I'm sure we've all enjoyed it here ... perhaps we'll come again?
Tomorrow Cirencester, as we head homeward bound,
And on the coach we'll think about the new friends we have found.
For that's what touring's all about, it fills us with good cheer -
well, that and all the bowling clubs have plentiful cheap beer!
We usually look forward, to where we'll go next year,
But nothing's yet been sorted - a problem? Yes, I fear.
It's getting much more difficult, as numbers start to slack,
So for now it's left uncertain ... though there's a chance we may be back!
Tour post-script ...
Alas our playing standard, continued to decline,
the final game in Cirencester - lost by twenty-nine.
They did us proud, providing us with buffet lunch and supper,
Not only that, but at half time, with biscuits and a "cuppa".
The winning rink was the captain's, with Henry, Sylv and Clare,
Our Grenville was so very pleased to have no tail to wear.
That honour went to Frank and Frances, Margaret and Don,
Who had to travel homeward with the tails of shame put on.
We have a competition, which runs throughout the week,
The best (or luckiest) bowler, it is designed to seek.
Two players topped the rankings, we've never seen the like,
The first draw in its history, between Audrey A and Mike.
So that completes the story of the tour 2007,
Which turned out great despite the rain that fell on us from heaven.
It seems we all enjoyed ourselves, and given half a chance,
We'll all be back again, to sing and drink and bowl and dance.
This is the tenth straight year in which these odes on you I've foisted.
I hope you've all enjoyed it, being by your petards, hoisted.
But now I can reveal to you, this is the last you'll get,
For just like Harry Potter, this ode completes the set.