"Done and Dustered"
When Lilleshall is touring, we try to play our best,
with old familiar faces, and a smattering of guests.
We want to be the top-most rink and cannot bear to fail,
for that brings the embarrassment of having to wear a tail!
Now Janet had a fantasy, 'twas one to make you think,
she wanted three men at one time ... to make her chosen rink.
The rules did not permit that, but she came up with a wheeze,
re-christen Dennis Collins ... she's calling him Denise!
Now when it comes to gossip, I know you have a thirst,
so here's a little story I'm pretty certain is a first.
So keep it close up to your chest, for I have heard it said,
our very own Club Captain took the Lady Captain to bed!
But if you know that's not unique, I wouldn't be averse,
to sharpening my pencil to write another verse!
Now Mike was checking web-sites, was "surfing" all the time
to check the five-day forecast, and said "'twould all be fine"
but Monday it was hissing down, Mike didn't dare to speak,
he'd checked the forecast, sure enough, but didn't say which week.
Now Pauline heard a dripping sound, as in her bed she lay,
but where the actual leak was, she couldn't really say.
She got up from her comfy bed, to close the window tight,
but as her foot touched on the floor, she got an awful fright.
The carpet was all soggy, she had a nasty feeling,
it wasn't blowing through the pane, but dripping through the ceiling!
I think it has affected her, we all must be discrete,
for when she put her sandals on, I'll swear I saw webbed feet!
Day one, and Torbay Country Club was where we meant to play,
alas the rain did not let off, too wet I'm sad to say.
But Grenville did a super job, so see we weren't let down,
and found us three rinks in the dry, at Torquay football ground.
We struggled on the surface, and depths of skill were delved,
as we took on each other's rinks, as we played with ourselves (?)
It meant we still had winners, and losers - hear the wails,
as Frank announced the foursome to get the first-day tails.
'Cause Celia and Sylvia (R) and Ken and Peter A,
had stepped up boldly to the mat and showed the way to play.
The tails went to Silvia (L) and George (L), but's not their fault,
it must have been the back end ... that's Frank and Alan Ghaut!
Now Marion was dancing, gyrating on the floor,
and some of those there with her couldn't take it any more.
So they all got together, and had a word with Ray
and he came in a long white coat and took her right away!
Each day we've tried to place our bets on rinks with most prowess,
for some it's scientific, for others - just a guess.
And honest Alan takes our cash and dishes out the spoils,
we cannot over-estimate the extent of his toils.
I don't know how he works it out, it seems quite complicated,
it's some time since I did exams, my knowledge is quite dated.
And mathematics has all changed, of that there is no doubt,
it doesn't matter if you're wrong, if you show your workings out!
On Tuesday I was Captain, and lead out with no fear - a
raving, roaring touring team to play against Madeira.
I feared I'd have some trouble, and with a tail would be wed,
when I saw their skip's bowls' logos, were fearsome tigers heads!
And so it was, it came to pass - a win? We could but dream,
for Captain Vic had packed his rink with Madeira's bowling cream.
But elsewhere on the seven rinks, we fought a tiger's game,
and right across, at twenty ends, our totals were the same.
Then Lilleshall came storming through, the like was never seen,
two fours, a six, we piled in shots, to win by plus thirteen.
The tails were won by Silvia (L), and Peter (A), Jo and me,
and Janet, Pauline, Mike and George (L) were topmost on the tree.
The Newton Abbott surface is immaculately shorn,
their oldest member - 93 - he rolls it every morn'.
Our oldest member, we worked out, it must be Georgy Peake,
if he were rolling Lilleshall it'd take him all damn week!
Now cribbage is a card game, Silv wanted so to learn,
so studying we played and played, the midnight oil we burnt.
We got the hang of runs and pairs, and pegging in between,
but it really would have helped if we could count up to fifteen!
We played some cricket on the grass, until Clare lost the ball,
and fought for whisky bottles rolling coins acros the hall.
We played up well and enjoyed all the company and drinks,
and learnt another bowling term ... down here they call wicks "dinks"
Joan hired a little wheelchair, but oh she did despair,
it kept on going to the left, as if one wheel was square.
We don't know what the problem was, but don't let that deny us,
the fun of telling Joan she had the whole thing on wrong bias!
We had a little competition, to find out what we knew,
about our fellow tourists, amongst this mottley crew.
'Cause Henry was a football ref, with whistle, book and ball,
and I have once performed in public at the Albert Hall.
And many of our bowlers, have on TV been seen,
and Sid had once auditioned for a show with Hughie Green.
And Peter (E) once got spotted nicking coal, and ran off fast,
and Geoff once got a vet's injection stuck right in his ... arm!
Now all week long we've struggled with a puzzle set by Gren,
"I've got one" was the joyous shout we would hear now and then.
We had to work out football teams, from clues that were obscure,
I didn't get that many, but I'm sure one's Stenhousemuir!
The restaurant food's been tasty, the menu quite amusing,
with several dishes Grenville found it hard to keep refusing.
There's one dish in particular that Marion did savour,
"Salmon Escalopes Dustered in Spicy, smoky Flavour"
Some thought it was commercial, served direct from a bag,
while others said it was quite plain, but with added ash of fag!
So that's the story of the week, we've laughed and drank and sang,
our final day's tomorrow, so let's go with a bang!
We're calling in to play a match, it's in the Bristol region,
we're taking on the bowling might of Portishead British Legion.
This ode is now completed, I thank you for your time,
allowing me to poke some fun in lines that sometimes rhyme.
But inspiration's running thin, ideas are fading fast,
... you need to mis-behave some more, or this could be the last!
Tour post-script ...
I'll dot the "I"s and cross the "T"s to finish off the story,
You see we finished very well, and bathed ourselves in glory.
The match was won, enjoyed by all, we took in all the sun,
four rinks were up, another drawn, and losers ... only one.
Top rink was Captain Grenville, with Peter (E), Dave and Ray,
but what was most amusing ... though I shouldn't really say,
to Ken & Mary, Sid and Janet, we raise our toasting glasses,
for they were ones with tigers' tails to dangle from their ... waists.
And Dennis Collins posted, the overall top score,
It can't be always down to luck ... he's done it once before.
And Joan topped all the fantasies, and earned herself a drink,
with Liz and Den and Celia ... and me in her top rink.
That really is the very end, the ode is read and done,
so look out June 07 ... 'cause Bournemouth, here we come!