"Bells and Whistles"
It's touring time once more my friends, we enjoy it to the full
The boys all come for bowling and the girls are ... looking forward to the shopping!
Some girls are wearing badges, and I have heard it said
because they are so dangerous, the badges are in red.
They wear them prominently, stuck proudly on their chests
pronouncing "Girls on Tour", 'cause tigresses are best!
We set off extra early, and went to Malvern town
our men were playing Manor Park - alas they finished down.
We couldn't blame the weather, we couldn't blame the rink
so I blame dehydration - we hadn't had a drink!
Of't times our Longmynd driver, has figured in our ode
for getting lost at services, or taking a wrong road.
But things are different this year, you know I wouldn't dare
write anything disparaging about our driver Claire.
Now Plymouth is a navy town, it's where the sailors are,
and Marion is partial to a jolly, young jack tar.
Now she can splice the main brace, and sink a tot of rum
and whistle at a rating with her finger and her thumb.
Some of us are sylph-like, built like a racing snake
and others are more cuddly, with lots of bits that shake.
But seeing as we're in Devon, the land of scones and cream
if anyone's weight stays stable, 'twould be a real dream.
Now Grenville he had told me, to expect that Emrys snores,
the draught would flap the curtains, and rattle all the doors.
So I thought up a cunning plan, to get a quiet night
I just said "Goodnight darling" - and he didn't sleep a light!
And Silvie thought she'd like a gift, to remind her of the trip
a stick of rock with "Plymouth" through, or a bottle with a ship.
But in Ann Summers sex shop, Den found the gift for home
a naked and bewhiskered little blow-up plastic gnome!
Pauline wasn't comfy as she travelled in the bus
she couldn't make the seat recline, it caused a lot of fuss.
She pushed it and she prodded it, and twisted round and wriggled,
and even called our Emrys in to give the knob a jiggle!
While travelling down the weather turned, the rain came hissing down
and caused some consternation, and brought on many a frown.
But we didn't need to worry, the forecasters were right,
the showers soon passed over and the outlook then was bright.
Alan Palmer has a tee-shirt, with a logo near the yoke
that reads "US Athletic" - I tell you, that's a joke.
Now Sandra told me privately, 'cause she has seen him dress
that tee-shirt's not the only thing that's definitely "U.S."!
On Monday, Civil Service - they beat us once again,
despite three winning rinks, we overall lost the game.
The winning rink was Brian and Den, the fairly fancied seeds
the damage done by Clare at two and Audrey in the lead.
The one thing on our tour that brings the laughter, never fails
announcement of the losing rink, and pinning on of tails.
Day one 'twas Alan Ghaut who was the skip most in a tizzy
along, of course, with Marion, and Frances and with Lizzie.
And Grenville said that if we lost a joke he would relate
and told us quite a saucy one 'bout a fireman in a state.
Now Clare she took advantage, at least so I hear tell,
and that night, after dinner, she wanted seven bells! (Grenville's joke)
Now Emrys finds it funny, he finds it rather quaint,
that he can leave the loo seat up without fear of complaint.
But I prefer to close the lid - but not 'cause it's a sin,
it's merely as insurance lest my toothbrush should fall in.
On finishing his dinner, Alan Palmer had room spare
decided to have pudding, a juicy ripe poached pear
all covered o'er with chocolate sauce, they served it nice and fat
but Alan burst out laughing - 'cause it looked just like a rat!
On Tuesday, at Bere Alston, the Captain was our George,
so close and deep relations he truly tried to forge.
Their Captain, Sue, a charming lass, she offered up her cheek,
if George had had his way he would have kissed her for a week!
His Presidential influence, was really brought to bear
to lose another match you know, we really didn't dare.
We really tried our hardest, to see the job well done
and came on strongly at the end to win by twenty-one.
Now AP had the winning rink, with Peter and with Don
not forgetting (as if we could) our Treasurer - Marion.
Now Marion she won a tail, while playing with Alan Ghaut
but just as on the day before, this win ... it wasn't her fault.
Pauline, Mike and Herbert, with Audrey in the lead
brought up the rear of seven rinks - they failed to do the deed.
So each and every one of them were forced to wear a tail
to advertise most publicly how in their task they failed.
Now most times in a friendly match, we judge the shot with leisure
but once upon a while, you know, we get a tricky measure.
That was the situation, at one end on our rink
the way the woods were standing, it really made us think.
Their bowl was standing right up straight, and ours was lying flat
but which one was the closest? - we couldn't tell this from that.
But in the end our wood was in, but it was close I tell ye
the tightest of all measures, was saved by Celia's belly!
On Wednesday we played Plymstock, they're strict, we heard, that's fact
with lots of signs around the green saying don't do this or that.
But as the game progressed we heard a titter, then a joke,
and realised that after all they're really friendly folk.
They put some entertainment on, with songs and little ditties
their ladies were all dressed as bowls, with chalk marks on their ... sides.
They also cooked a super meal to see us through the night,
and prices at their bar were just an absolute delight.
At fifteen ends we were well down, it all was going wrong
I said that if we didn't win that I would sing a song.
That gave us the incentive, it nearly did the trick,
from forty down in just six ends we pulled it back to six!
The winning rink was Alan Ghaut's, with Sandra, Sylv & Herbert,
I had a pound upon them - I think I'll have a sherbet!
The losing rink from half-way through, it was in little doubt
'twas Arthur, Peter, Pete & Marg who finally "Petered" out!
The showers in the bathrooms, to the walls are firmly fixed
and Grenville finds the water only comes up to his ... chest.
The hotel's used to bowlers, you can be sure of that
'cause every bathroom has a sign - "step firmly on the mat"
Our Brian has a super suit, with straight three-quarter jacket
he wears it well, with great aplomb, while most of us couldn't hack it.
His shoes are long, with chisel toes, he only needs a hat
to finish off the outfit, and make him look ... just like a teddy-boy.
Now Betty's knitting Arthur's socks, her needles are a-clicking
'cause Arthur's feet are size thirteen she makes them comfy fitting.
On and on and on she knits - it has to make you laugh
we didn't know it was a sock - we thought it was a scarf!
Now Marion can do it anyway - at least that's what she said
it doesn't matter what position she adopts in bed.
She could keep a man awake, it never would be boring,
experimenting all the time - to stop her b****y snoring!
And Alan Palmer couldn't find his after-shave one morning
and worried that our ladies, to him would not be warming.
Normally he uses a most manly one called "Boss"
(though we all know that in the Palmer household that is dross!)
He knew he had to improvise, it made our Sandra fume,
he went out smelling strongly of her "Cote Lamont" perfume!
On Thursday morn we took the bus to go up on the Hoe,
the school-kids and the pensioners our cricket skills to show.
We set up both the wickets, and set on both the bails
then Palmer started bowling, you know that never fails.
Our Audrey and our Celia, they gave the ball a clout
they split the thing right round the seam - they knocked the stuffing out.
And international friendship was fostered, you'll be glad,
our ladies grabbed a passer-by, a Russian chap named Vlad.
And Geoff he took a tumble, and rolled along the ground
at least some of the lumps and bumps were nicely flattened down!
And Peter Attwood cheated - of that there is no doubt
despite the chances Audrey gave he wouldn't catch her out!
We played Sir Francis Drake on Thursday - not the man the team
who carry on tradition on Plymouth's grass so green.
We sailed in on our battle bus, just like the great Armada
but we were looking for success, we knew we must try harder.
Now Beryl sat out injured, but Em knew what to do
he brought in Alan Palmer - a ringer at number two.
And Michael did not want a second tail on his hip
that must have been the reason he let me play at skip.
So I lost my tour virginity - I led out my first rink
despite all that some bet on us, they must be daft I think.
Their skip seemed pretty handy - I think he'd played before
we beat him with our heavy woods - he beat us on the draw.
The losing rink was closely fought, and changed on the last shot
the Captain would be most ****ed off, if a tail he had got.
As last ends were played out we knew a tail for him was certain
but he produced a "wonder wood" (the first in 6 years) to take the final curtain.
So Arthur, Frances, Marg and Audrey all got second tails
I hope we all can sleep tonight, amidst the groans and wails.
The winning rink was heavyweight, in stature and in skill
with Dennis Collins skipping, to draw onto the pill.
So Silv and Sylv, along with Geoff, they really brought it home
to guarantee that we'd enjoy our very own laughing gnome.
Tomorrow is our final day, to Fairford off we go
and now we're really up for it, our finest we must show.
So play up all your Tigers, be positive, never fear
for once this match is over, there's no more 'til next year.
To Silv and Sylv we send our thanks, for they made all this happen,
and also too to bookie Al, and Emrys - he's our Cap'n
So head off home with happy hearts and bellies full with dinner
whatever happens now you can be sure BOWLS is the winner!
And now the final day is done, I will tie up loose ends,
of which, so say the rumours, we bowled a few my friends!
We drove to sunny Gloucestershire, and played at Fairford town,
and three rinks finished up, and three rinks finished down.
And when they were up they were up ... no, sorry!
But rinks are not the measure, it's total shots you see,
and when the totting up was done, we'd won by twenty-three!
The winning rink was Alan Ghaut, with Margaret, Clare and Pauline
they picked the shots up very well and stopped our score from falling.
The losing rink was three fine men, along with Marion
'cause Don and Frank ensured our Dennis pinned a tail on!
Now Alan Ghaut he runs a pool, he adds up all the scores
from everyone's four matches, or first four if there's more.
In top spot was our Dennis, a smile upon his face,
and a most surprised yours truly, wound up in second place.
Now Clare and Grenville run a comp, designed to make us think
if we were Captain, who'd we pick, as ultimate top rink.
We each select four bowlers, two ladies and two gents
considering most carefully to see our pound well spent.
But in the end 'twas Grenville won, "A Fix!" some tried to scream,
But all this only goes to prove - the Captain knows his team!
Now Silv and Sylv are off again, and next year's tour is rolling,
we're going up to Scarborough, to show them our top bowling.
So look out on the noticeboard, keep carefully peeled your eyes,
and we'll meet up this time next year - God willing and the creek don't rise!