Bears!

Adapted from a joke heard on Terry Wogan's BBC Radio 2 breakfast show

A keen bowler visiting Canada heard about a marvellous bowling green in an extremely isolated spot in British Columbia. After some searching he found the green and asked the green-keeper, whose hut was some way from the green, if he could have a roll up.

"Yes" replied the green keeper, "but you need to be aware that this a very wild and isolated spot ... so as well as a mat and jack you'll need these" he said, giving the bowler a ribbon with a safety pin and several small bells on it. "And this" at which he placed a small aerosol can of pepper spray on the table.

"What are those for?" asked the bowler, not unreasonably!

"Well, you pin the bells onto your shirt so that as you move they make a gentle tinkling sound. That causes any wildlife to move away without alarming them."

"And the pepper spray?"

"Oh, that's just in case a bear gets too interested."

"What sort of bears do you get here?" asked the bowler.

"Well there are black bears and grizzly bears. Most times you won't see them, so the only evidence will be their droppings - that's how you can tell them apart. The black bear's droppings are quite small, mostly plant material with occasionally a small piece of fur or bone from a small animal."

"What about the grizzly bear's droppings?" asked the bowler.

"Ah! They're larger, have small bells in them and smell of pepper!"